Dunleavy Takes Aim at Unplanned Abortions

Senator Moves to Thwart Abortionists’ School Marketing Scheme

Coarse Grind – Humor and Satire

Publisher’s Note: Dear legislators. Please note the “grind” of this article. As a service to you Grinder will provide some useful information. Satire: the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity, silliness or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues. When filtered through a thick ego or inflated sense of self importance satire can sometimes appear to be “real.” Earlier this session two separate Democratic legislators said, “I had to read it several times before realizing it was a joke" in reference to the second half of this article. In response to this piece someone warned me that “it could come back on you.” In the interest of credit where it is due, Rep. Gattis bumped into me on the street after the latter piece published. Not a hard bump, it wouldn’t have been a flagrant 2. Actually we had a good laugh about the piece. As a guide, if someone writes something about you dripping with satire, and if you believe you might have actually done the things in the article, it’s time to reexamine your strategy and organization. It kind of takes some of the fun out of the comedy jokes if I have to type a smiley face or write “Just kidding” after each one, but just this once, WARNING! Satire Ahead ... 

Warrior for Parental Rights

Senator Mike Dunleavy (R-Wasilla) is the prime sponsor of two bills in the Legislature this year that, should they pass, may greatly reduce unintended abortions, provide parents a line-item veto on all curriculum and establish appropriate punishments for people who try to turn students into sex fiends. SB 89 establishes the rules, and SB 191 sets up the mechanism for punishment.

“Parents are the ultimate experts on what their children need to know, and how they should learn it,” Dunleavy said. “I represent various parts of the Mat-Su, and lots of people in my district are old fashioned. They prefer to teach their kids about sex in their own personal ways. Many of my constituents are kind of hands-on, rather than book learning kinds of people, and they know their children much more intimately than any teacher or abortionist could ... or at least should.” But the bill doesn’t only make parents sex experts, but it also gives them expertise in virtually every subject taught in schools, allowing them to review the curriculum and materials and to exempt their children from any subject that doesn’t meet their expert standards.

“Our boy Gern is fragile, and frankly, kind of a clumsy oaf,” said parent Ardith Schmetzer. “A lot of the stuff they do in PE requires pretty much Olympic-caliber physical acumen. After the volleyball section Gern had trouble walking for almost three days, and he insisted on wearing two-piece bathing suits, which made his father uncomfortable. During flag football someone pulled his pants down. They do that in the cafeteria too, so why sanction it as a so-called ‘sport?’”

Thelma Bluck, a high school sophomore, would like to opt out of her basic science course on account of misinformation. “Mr. Grimes says gravity is a law,” Bluck said, “but I looked it up and it’s just a theory. There’s something called the law of gravitation, but not gravity, and it’s really confusing, so I’m not even sure that’s even real. But anyhow, have you ever seen a plane? I flew in a big, heavy metal one to the Creation Museum in Kentucky so, helOOOOO! Something holds some things down but not others. I think they should teach both sides of the controversy. If gravity was a law then birds would be snakes.”

Rep. Tammie Wilson (North Pole) likes the idea of the parental line-item veto. “As I said earlier this session, some mathematicians might believe in inflation, but me and my friends don’t. I think business and economic students should be able to opt out of the fantasy and propaganda portions of those courses. Also, parents should be able to review their children’s test grades. If the teacher’s answer doesn’t match the parents’ biases, we should be able to remove that question from the test. Why should our children fail a test just because they don’t agree with facts?”

“Look,” Dunleavy said. “Public school, by definition, is for everybody, so each parent should be able to determine which reality is taught to their children. It’s not up to public schools to determine winners and losers in terms of facts and such. Their job is to teach children whatever their parents want them to believe.”

Planned Parenthood and the Orgy Culture

The second part of Dunleavy’s bill prohibits abortion providers from presenting information about sex, STDs, contraception or “other dirty things” in public schools. It says schools and districts can’t contract with abortionists.

“Planned Parenthood and others have been contracted to present sex ed information in our schools,” Dunleavy said. “It’s basically a marketing strategy to drum up more abortion business for them. Because many abortions are not planned, business has been waning, so they need more pregnancies, and teaching kids to have sex is the easiest way to do that. I’ve heard sex is more addicting than cigarettes and candied salmon.” Dunleavy was unable to explain how abortion is a profit industry, but suggested, “There may be a black market for feti.”

Dunleavy pointed to a study conducted by the reputable Center For Family Ignorance that presents evidence that more than 94 percent of children under the age of 19 do not know about sex unless Planned Parenthood, or a priest tells them about it. The study affirms, “Most of these children spend their spare time reading the Bible, watching Kirk Cameron films or doing chores until Planned Parenthood shows up in their classrooms with porno. After that the girls refuse to participate in purity ceremonies with their dads, and kid culture is defined by orgies and group abortion rituals. Once people realize sex is fun and can be done without STDs and unplanned abortions they start wanting to do it more.”

An unnamed representative of Planned Parenthood said the organization has to use porn magazines as classroom materials because, “The Texas school board pretty much decides what goes in textbooks these days. Those textbooks attribute scoliosis and male-pattern baldness to premarital sex, and nearsightedness and something they call ‘Shriveled Arm Syndrome’ to masturbation. At least Penthouse is biologically correct.” The claim appears to have some merit. Current science textbooks also depict early humans (who are usually blond with sculpted, hairless bodies) riding dinosaurs to church. Another science entry shows early humans openly mocking monkeys for their obvious inability to evolve into people.


Just Desserts

Dunleavy said just making a law preventing qualified adults from teaching students about things like safe sex probably won’t stop the problem by itself. “The market for unintended abortions is great,” Dunleavy said. “And the urge to recruit young people into the supply line is very powerful. Just telling abortionists to stop teaching kids about condoms and other anti-religion technologies will not stop them. There has to be a punishment element in the law. It’s the only thing sex fiends understand, though admittedly, some of them enjoy punishment. No law is perfect.”

Dunleavy’s bill starts out light on first offenders, requiring them to spend a week in public stocks. For subsequent offenses things get a little more serious.

“I think we should let the Bible be our guide,” Dunleavy said. “The Old Testament says anyone teaching kids about birth control or how to self satisfy should be publicly castrated, stoned to death and then dragged behind a camel for two days. I have to check with the bishop, but I think in Alaska we can substitute moose for camel.

"In the New Testament," Dunleavy said, it's not as specific, but Jesus seems to suggest that only parents, to include adoptive and step parents, should teach children about sex, by example if the kid is a slow learner. If someone else steps in the parents should pray for what's called resurrected virginity, and also for the offender to be transformed into either a loaf or a fish, whichever seems most appropriate, though during Lent fish is recommended. Again, it's not explicit, but sometimes you have to read between the lines."