Gattis Doubles Down

Rep Says Slacker Kids Should Join Grandparent Refugees

Coarse Grind – Satire and Humor

A day after telling Alaskan seniors to take their money grubbing ways to warmer, less slippery climes Rep. Lynn Gattis (R – you guessed it, Wasilla) doubled down by telling Alaska’s children to “get tough or get lost.” On Leap Day Gattis told Alaska’s fixed-income seniors to go jump in a lake – someplace else. While some said Gattis may have gone too far the Wasilla legislator said overnight she realized she probably hadn’t gone far enough.

“I mean it’s true that we can’t keep subsidizing these geezers who really aren’t contributing much anymore, but most of them aren’t going to be around much longer anyhow, so shipping them off to California or Oregon or someplace is a short-term fix,” Gattis said. “The real drag on the economy is the kids, and they’re going to be around a long time. Seems like there’s more of them every day.”

Gattis said she’s contemplating a work-for-school program or simply sending the “weaker” kids to more liberal states where she says they’ll likely be happier anyway.

“The tough kids, the real Alaskan kids, can stay,” Gattis said, “but they’ll have to earn their keep. With all these operating budget cuts, there’s plenty of need. Kids could be put to work removing snow, fixing potholes, fighting forest fires and like that. In exchange they could attend night school ... heck, some of them could even teach other kids, there’s going to be a need for teachers soon, too.”

Gattis said the US is falling behind in child labor, and that’s going to cost us in the long run. “Many of Myanmar’s kids serve in the military, preserving their way of life,” Gattis said. She pointed out that Myanmar’s economy has turned around recently, and that the country is enjoying 8.5 percent GDP growth. “China is using more and more child laborers too,” Gattis said, “and you don’t need me to tell you they’re kicking our butts.”

Some of Gattis’ colleagues aren’t sure if her plans for seniors and children are really best for Alaska, though. Rep. Lance Pruitt (R-Anchorage) said, “I really, really want my Grams and Pop-Pop to stay here in Alaska, but I also don’t want to have to start cutting them personal checks just because we had to kill senior benefits. I hope we can find a compromise, like maybe the old people can pick up trash or make hats or something. Some of them are still pretty good with their hands. As for the kids,” Pruitt said, “They do seem to want an awful lot for not much in return.”

Gattis said American kids have gone soft. “Used to be kids earned their keep. We’ve all seen those adorable pictures of their smudgy little faces coming out of the mines, or with their nimble little hands working sewing machines. Now they just want to sit at their desks turning into fat know-it-alls,” she said. “First it started at like five years old. Not only did they want to loiter in government-built schools all day, but then they also started needing rides; like walking is too hard. Heck, I’ve seen packs of them them run around a soccer field for hours, so it’s not like their legs can’t handle a little walking. Then they wanted to eat. Next thing you know our education budget is bigger than everything except the dividend program, and the kids are all hopped up on science. Now the toddlers want in on the government action,” Gattis lamented. “Pre-K. What even IS that? When I was a kid pre-K meant learning not to poop your pants and how to say please and thank you.”

Gattis said at this point she’d prefer it if the kids would just follow their grandparents to someplace like California or Portland where they could “deliver granola balls to cripples or learn to make owl dolls from pinecones or something.” However she said she’d be willing to give both the elderly and the very young an opportunity to remain in the Great Land. “It’s called the bootstrap program,” Gattis said. “The state will provide you, at a reasonable cost, one set of bootstraps. If after a month you haven’t figured out how to pull yourself up by them, get on the boat. You don’t see baby moose complaining,” Gattis said, “and they have to eat wood.”