Today's Highly Unlikely Newsbriefs

Coarse Grind -- Satire and Humor


Pete Kelly Cracks Joke; No One Seems Uncomfortable


Today in what many legislators are dubbing a Capitol first, Sen. Pete Kelly opened the Senate Finance Committee hearing with a joke that didn’t leave people squirming uncomfortably in their seats.

“I mean it’s not like anyone laughed,” said frequent gallery member Vern Neblitz, “but there was none of the usual cringing, and not a single person got up to leave. Pretty wild.”

Kelly may finally be making progress in his exhaustive seven-year effort to develop a sense of humor. In a longstanding staff betting pool the option “get a chuckle” trails four-to-one behind “be accused of sexual harassment,” but several bets went down on "chuckle" today. Still the struggle continues. Moments before the hearing concluded Kelly unexpectedly blurted out a limerick that reportedly left fellow committee member Peter Micciche with indigestion and a young audience member in tears.

Gara Turns Down Interview, Leaves Reporter Flummoxed

In another Legislative first, Rep. Les Gara responded to a reporter’s interview request yesterday by simply saying, “Nah, I’m good.” The reporter stood motionless in the hallway for nearly 10 minutes before a Senate page approached him with a defibrillator.

Explaining to his editor why he’d missed deadline the reporter allegedly said, “I don’t know any other Democrats, and I can’t file without BALANCE. I asked the folks in the press room, and they were stumped.”

Gara holds the Legislative single-day, single-session and career records for both interviews and “press hits.” This unexpected slump ends the iron man’s consecutive press hits streak at 421 ... oh, wait, does this brief count?